A Paradox by Any Other Name
by SpiritOfEowyn
Summary: My name is Rose Tyler and this is the story of how the Doctor died, again. My version of the 2009 Specials.
1. Prologue

_**A Paradox by Any Other Name- Prologue.**_  
A Paradox By Any Other Name  
Author: SpiritofEowyn  
Rating:PG-- PG 13  
Pairing: 10/Rose Other characters you've probably heard of.  
Summary: My name is Rose Tyler and this is the story of how the Doctor died, again.( My version of the 2009 Specials.)

Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who, if I did I'd be financially well off.

A/N:Spoilers through Journeys End and any rumors you've heard about the New Years Specials and the 10th doctor's regeneration. This is my version of what the New Years special will be like. Probably 4-6 chapters beyond this prologue, if you count the interlude.

A Paradox By Any Other Name

My name is Rose Tyler and this is the story of how the Doctor died, again.

Prologue:

On Boxing Day I met a charming man, tall dark and handsome. I was carrying a large box that rose right about my eyes, filled with all the things my mum wanted me to return to the shop on the worst day to do so, which included a lavender jumper which wasn't the right cut, which she had given her. So not only was her mum returning Rose's gift, but she was making HER return it for her and give her the store credit. To add to her joy she was going to have to tell her supervisor why her mom did not find a greatly employee discounted Henrik's sweater wasn't good enough for her when she wore TopShops. Add on the dustbuster that Dad's Mother had sent them,which Mum insisted was an insult on her housecleaning and Rose was almost glad to be out. It was shaping up to be that kind of day. It didn't surprise me that when I took a corner too fast I ran into someone, scattering the contents of my Dustbuster box and one jumper that had been stuffed inside across the sidewalk.

"Great." I muttered to myself. "This is brillant." The crowds passed me by like I was an incovinent island.

"Sorry about that. " He smiled at me like he was filming the leading role in a romantic flick, or breathmint ad. He graciously helped me return everything to the box.

"Thank you," I noticed his eyes sparkle with inordinate pleasure.

"Here, let me carry it for you." He offered, lifting it with ease.

"No, I-" I waved my hands at him.

"But I insist. It's the least I can do."His voice was saccharine. "Now where am I taking this," he noticed the color of the box with barely restrained mirth. "Blue box?"

Either he had an odd sense of humor or he was one of those perpectually perky people.

"Oh, I'm returning it to Henrik's right down the street. I know, On boxing day," I rolled my eyes. "But my mum insisted."

He gave a polite laugh. "Mmm. How obedient of you." He offered his free arm to me. " Let's be off." If he wanted to play the part of a gentleman and carry my stuff for me, I wouldn't complain.

There was something old and otherworldly about this man who couldn't really be that much older than me. He just didn't seem to fit into a busy London street. He was just too excited about the world. It wasn't a bad thing, for a guy to be nice and cheerful. Far from it, it was intrigueing.

He waited as I returned the items, standing guard behind me. Now he must be playing the part of the faithful knight. Her coworker who ran the return transaction gave her that look.

"So who's the bloke? Did you break up with Mickey?" She asked nosily.

"No, just some," I shook my head. "Nice guy."

"Guys aren't nice to pretty girls just for laughs." She advised knowingly.

"Mind your own business Charene." I cleared my throat and raised my eyebrows significantly. "It's not like that."

I grabbed the Store Credit debit card for my mom, shoved it in my pocket and walked towards the door.

My knight was right behind me. "So! Where would you like to go next, my lady Rose." He bounced on his toes and did a comic bow.

I laughed. "Look Mister I don't even know your name and I'm kinda seeing someone, Thanks though." Warning shot through my stomach. " Hold on, how do you know my name?"

He blinked, but quickly regained his composure. " What else would your name be? A flower of such beauty-" He reached towards her face with manic energy." Such a pretty face."

"You still didn't tell me your name-"

His eyes laughed at her. "Don't you know? I'm Harold Saxon at your service," He leaned in close to whisper in her ear, as if imparting a great secret, "But you can call me... Harry."

This was getting too intimate and he was taking too many liberties."Yeah, I think I should go home."

"Then allow me to escort you." Harold grabbed her arm and put it through his. He started telling me jokes to keep my attention. Whenever I thought about walking home alone, I felt this wave of trust for this stranger and the thought left before it could be focused on more.

We were several blocks from home when I saw him.

A tall man with some really great dark hair, wearing a suit. He glared at us from across the street. Herald saw him cross the street towards us and led me into an alleyway. I looked over my shoulder to see Great Hair catch up with us and yank Heralds arm away- separating us.

"Get away from her." He growled murderously at my helper. When he glanced at me his expression changed to something like fear. "Rose, RUN!"

Then he punched Herald right in the face. I was outraged. "Oi! Who are you? Beating up on innocent people like that?" I returned to Harold. "Are you alright?"

"Indeed. Who are you?" Harold challenged confidently. I almost thought he was enjoying this. He snaked his arm around my back. "Care to say? Oh. That's right you can't. Shove off." Harold looked me up and down appreciatively. " You're interrupting my date with Rose Tyler." My 'date 's' glee should have warned me but I couldn't think straight with his arm around me.

Great Hair looked horrified, sickened as his jaw worked like he was holding back words, or bile. His chest heaved like he had been running much farther than he had. His dark eyes were begging me, now glassy and hard, his tongue quickly running over his teeth. His eyebrows raised as he told me, " Rose, you need to go home- NOW."

I stumbled backward from the intensity of his gaze. Looking like he knew me. I tried to back up to escape from it but my feet wouldn't move. My legs were immovable but the fingers on my free hand were not and tapped out a beat furiously on my leg, a beat like the repeating sound of drums.

"Stop it. Let her go." Great Hair bit out tremulously, as if the words pained him.

"Or What?" Harold taunted, tilting his head. "Empty threats. After all I've done," He gripped her elbow, trapping her arm to her body. "You still didn't have it in you to harm me. You won't now over one-Oh, or is this one different?" Harold forced her chin so that she had to look at him, but Rose's eyes were still drawn to Great Hair. "I've always wondered what you saw in this one." The once charming man was dismissive to her face. She felt like a toy fought over by two angry dogs.

Great Hair growled much like a dog, and pulled out what looked like a strange metal pen with a flashing blue eraser.

And that was it. Nothing else happened that day. I had fish and chips. Saw Mickey and Mum, went to bed, woke up the next morning like nothing had happened.

Nothing worth remembering.

Nothing.


	2. Chapter 1 Harold Saxon

_**A Paradox By Any Other Name: Chapter 1**_

Author: SpiritofEowyn  
Rating:PG  
Pairing: 10/ Rose

Setting: Season Two.  
Disclaimer: Spoilers through Journeys End. This is my version of what the New Years special should be like.  
A/N: Special thanks to my beta zomgvampires

**Chapter One**

The first time the Doctor heard about Harold Saxon, he put it out of his mind.

They had been visiting London to do Rose's laundry (more an excuse she used to visit her mother, as the TARDIS had laundry facilities), when he found her staring at a poster of a man. Well, when he said man, he meant politician. Well, prospective politician with dark thinning hair, a large confident grin, and thumbs up.

**Harold Saxon For Defense Minister  
"A Master of Defense: The Man you Can Trust With your Future."  
**

He didn't see what was so fascinating about him, or why her attention should be elsewhere, when there was a dashing and extremely clever Time Lord at her side.

He bumped into her. "Oi, Rose. Something Interesting?" Her attention to the poster was becoming trance-like, heart racing and breath held.

"I," Rose blinked, "I know him."

"The politician?" He let his disgust show.

"Yeah," She breathed. "I met him before I met you- the other you. He fancied me."

He scrunched his face and blocked her view of the poster. "I can understand why he would, but you, Rose, I thought you had better taste."

She pushed him aside and tapped the poster seriously, "There was something about him…" she rubbed her temples, "Something important."

He raised an eyebrow at her. "Do you two want to be alone?" He waved a hand in front of her face when she didn't respond to him. "Rose." He forcibly kept his tone light.

Finally her attention turned to the Doctor, and she gasped as if in horror. "Your face..."

He frowned and jumped away in a bit of shock, and his voice squeaked a bit. "My- what about my face?!" He felt his face for any sudden malformations.

"I've met you before." she shook her finger at him in earnest trepidation.

His concern went into overdrive. "Rose, are you feeling alright?" He made to feel her forehead, while his own brow furrowed. "Of course we've met before," he pulled out his sonic screwdriver and proceeded to scan her. "Zooming through time and space, grand adventures-- remember the zooming with me?" He pointed back to where he'd parked his ship, "On the TARDIS?"

She whacked him on the shoulder, "Shut up."

"Oi, why are you hitting me?" he whined, "That's not a very nice joke."

"I meant I met you before I met you with big ears. I just- it never occurred to me until now, until I saw that poster, that you were the same person. It's not like you called yourself the Doctor-"

"Well I wouldn't, would I, if we hadn't met yet." He frowned. "I mean, but are you sure? That it was me?"

"Unless you know someone else with a sonic screwdriver- only then I didn't know what it was."

He couldn't think of a reason why he would visit her timeline before they met.

"But how does the picture of a man, vastly less dashing I might add, remind you of me?"

"It was the Christmas before I met you. I met him, and then you punched him, and the screwdriver..." Rose was on a roll.

His natural curiosity warred with his Time Lord training. If it was him, then it was his future, a future he shouldn't know about and be tempted to change should it come to that.

She bit her tongue and ran her fingers through her hair agitatedly. "And then, I can't remember. Something must have happened, but I can't remember!" She groaned in annoyance as she attempted to bring back those memories.

He held up his hands defensively- this had to stop here. "Rose, I can't know anymore about my future. I shouldn't even know that." He had to distract her before she tried to push forward. She was impossibly stubborn once she set her mind on something. Rose opened her mouth wide, the beginning of a protest evident.

He preemptively grabbed her hand. "SO, off we go! Come on, enough musing," he began to tug her away from the poster, and tried to ignore the other such posters of the man he couldn't know why he punched. "I'll find out someday, no spoilers. Let's go, bet your mom's missing you." And off they went.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The second time the Doctor heard of Harold Saxon, he was already Prime Minister; he was so caught up in fighting him as the Master, that the human name he used was a secondary concern to saving the Human race. Afterwards, the Master died. He grieved, but could not see him as any possible threat to his future, or anyone else's. The grief of being alone made him want to forget about that horrible year that never was.

It wasn't until the third time that his mind started putting the pieces together and realized it might be more significant than he'd ever imagined. But by then, the only one who might remember, Rose, was back across the void with his human counterpart, and unable to warn him.

And he began to wonder if her forgetfulness was caused by more than the passage of time.


	3. Chapter 2 Doctor realizes

_**A Paradox By Any Other Name Chapter Two**_

Title: A Paradox by Any Other Name.: Chapter Two  
Author: Spirit of Eowyn  
rating: PG  
Pairing 10/Rose Jack  
Disclaimer: I do not own Dr. Who, but then you know that already. I'm just writing this for fun and not for profit although I'd sure love some shiny nickels to rub together for christmas.  
Set: Post JE but before CoE  
Summary: My version of what the Christmas specials should be like. You won't probably be spoiled for them as I know just about as much as you do. This chapter involves the third time the Doctor thinks about Saxon, and finally realizes Rose met the Master. Dun Dun. Duuuun!

A/N: Thanks to Kateydidnt for beta-ing this post while my usual beta is away. Sorry this took so long! I had to see Children of Earth first to decide where this chapter with Jack fit in.

**Chapter Two!**

The Doctor didn't like losing things, or people. He had vowed not to have any more proper companions after, well, Donna. But that didn't mean that he couldn't visit old friends, especially ones that couldn't die.

So he had gone to Torchwood to seek out Jack to starve off his loneliness, under pretext of warning them. He hadn't been surprised to be told that Jack was at a bar. Or one that had such a reputation. His earlier incarnations would have been beet red to be in such a place.

He made a beeline for his friend, ignoring the various offers thrown his way.

"Jack."

"Doctor!" Jack greeted. "Never thought I'd run into you in one of these places."

"Never will again," The Doctor promised. "I just thought I'd warn you about a criminal with a flying bus."

"Very Harry Potter." Jack ordered another drink, gesturing at the bartender who wore suspenders but no shirt. Really some people had their priorities mixed up.

"Lady Christina De Souza- no magic wand, just run of the mill alien altered double decker bus." The Doctor sniffed. "Wanted to be my companion. Turned her down."

" Souza, Think I've met her." Jack nodded.

The Doctor wasn't surprised. He opened his mouth to say so.

" There you go, going Domestic on me. I'm amazed Rose left her whole."

The Doctor froze. Obviously he said the wrong thing. He'd wanted to use Christina as a segeway to letting him know he wasn't having any more companions without bringing up more about Donna than Jack had probably heard through the Children of Time grapevine here on Earth.

He cleared his throat. "How's Martha?"

"Married." Jack held his mug up in a toast. "And on her honeymoon by now. I heard Sarah Jane will be following her rotten example of matrimony soon herself."

The Doctor felt distinctly uncomfortable. Who knew if his counterpart was doing the same. If Rose was married now, to, him but not him. There really should be English pronouns that described 'one's meta-crisised self who was part human'. Gallifriean had a few that might serve but no one else would understand him. Not that they did now.

"Speaking of happy couples, Where's Rose? This not her kind of place?" Jack asked, turning to look at the crowd of scantily clad men and women bumping and grinding to what could be generously called music, and colored lighting. Mostly men, actually.

Well, there went that attempt at avoidance of painful things.

The Doctor took a deep breath.

"She's not here. Rose is with the Other Me, back across the void." He says as evenly as possible. "Hopefully having a fantastic life." He knew his tone of voice did not fit his hope.

"Really." The Doctor could hear the questions Jack was about to launch.

"I'm not going to have any more companions. I can't do it anymore. They've all got someone else now. They-" He looked at the floor and put his hands in his pockets. "Break my hearts."

It was fifty six seconds later that Jack replied. " Sounds lonely. The Rest of Forever by yourself." The unspoken left in the air. Last of his Kind. A situation Jack must eventually expect for himself when Ianto and whoever came after died. The Doctor didn't even want to know how Boe-kind reproduced.

His thoughts turned to Donna and Rose. Both had wanted to spend the rest of their lives with him, and neither could. Which was fine, they were going to have fantastic lives, somehow. Normal human lives that ended in the usual and not unusual way.

"I don't suppose you've changed your mind about fixing this, have you?" Jack held out his Vortex manipulator.

As he frowned at the Vortex manipulator, his three-lobed brilliantly tangential mind was sent on a course that went Disabled the V.M. Master dying- died, alone now- last of my kind,alone. Losing Donna, losing Rose, Rose- Saxon, Rose staring at Saxon, Saxon is The Master, Rose- Master, Rose, Master, Rose, Master back and forth. Really he should put in a crosswalk.

There were two people he'd never thought about in the same sentence before. And why would he? Arch Nemesis vs. Best friend Women who made him smile who he... No. But somehow his synapses were making a connection, putting things together that had remained blissfully separate before.

What was it she had said? She'd said something once about the Master. No. Saxon. But Saxon was the Master, ergo-

"_I've met him before- before I met you."_ She'd said. But that was a Temporal Impossibility. He'd set the TARDIS so the Master could not possibly have arrived in the twentieth century before his current regeneration defeated the Sycorax.

Not Possible.

_"...You punched him-"_ No memory of that either. He rubbed the back of his neck. Although seeing a man get fresh with Rose Tyler, with any of his companions would have warranted it. But she had recognized the Master, not some random politician. And if he had punched him then he doubted that at that time that he, The Doctor didn't know it was the Master.

He couldn't deny his memory of her telling him that she had met Saxon-The Master. It couldn't be a joke, as even he hadn't known Saxon was The Master then. And she'd known, and warned him that there was 'something about him'.

The worst part wasn't the Master fancying Rose, or even meeting her. The worst part, the part that scared him the most was the fact that she didn't remember what else had happened. She'd been sure something had. It was knowing all the many things he could have done to Rose and then wiped her memory of. With a Paradox machine, or just the TARDIS there were so many unspeakable, unthinkable things that could have happened to his Rose.

His throat burned. That was unacceptable. And the reason why the Master would bother to do it in the first place. It might sound egotistical or self absorbed but the Master would only go to so much trouble to hurt someone because it would hurt HIM. He was the main reason his companions ever got hurt.

And why would The Master wipe her memory of 'after' but not of meeting him as well? Was it a trap for him? Had he miscalculated? Had the memory just resurfaced? He couldn't know from this point in time. He really really didn't like not knowing.

He wished she was here so he could argue with her about their meeting being impossible. His lip quirked. She'd probably hold over his head that he'd told her that it would be impossible for her to cross back to this universe and see him again. You make one blanket statement and... That beautifully persistent and stubborn woman would use his words against him. She'd defied the impossible before, what was another Timelord? His eyes widened. What if she was some sort of Timelord magnet? Nah.

Of course if she was here he could just look into her memory, with her permission, of this supposed event- which he had avoided doing before. If his brilliant brain had put these curious puzzle pieces together before she had left he could have questioned her further himself instead of dying of curiosity. His other self was probably having a good laugh at his expense. Well, not the only thing he was probably enjoying having, at his expense.

What timing! Couldn't say three words in time. Couldn't figure out that the walls between realities was breaking down, and was down for months! Two years he'd had to put these pieces together, and it was only months after the only eyewitness was gone that he did so!

And he would have to remain curious, well, unless he went and checked. But if it was the Master, that would.... be bad. Depending where the Master was in his personal timeline, there would be only so much he could do to stop him to maintain the timeline without creating a paradox. The Master and Rose- couldn't be. But if it was true...

"No..." The Doctor breathed.

" Fine, can't blame me for asking." Jack shrugged.

He remembered her strained expression. _I can't remember._ Ice spread through his stomach at the possibilities in that would not leave him be.

"No, I just remembered something." The Doctor got up and tilted his head to the door. " I have go see why two people who couldn't possibly have ever met, improbably did. If they did. I'm not certain."

Jack was too buzzed to translate Doctor right now. "What?"By the time his addled brain understood half of what the Doctor said, he was out the door and out of his life again.


	4. Chapter 3 Parallel World

Title: A Paradox by Any Other Name: Chapter Three  
Rated: PG  
Pairing: 10.5/Rose  
Summary. My Version of what the Christmas Specials should be. 10.5 and Rose realize the trouble 10 is in.  
Spoilers: vague references to WoM but won't spoil you.

**A Paradox by Any Other Name: Chapter Three**

It happened when her Doctor was rambling. In an effort to catch her up, her Doctor had decided to spend an hour every day telling her about his travels since last they were together.

So here they were sitting on a large swing in the the garden on top of her penthouse apartment in Cardiff, looking at the stars together.

His idea was inspired by two things.

"One." He held up a finger in front of them. " You keep getting annoyed when I reference experiences and laugh at jokes you aren't in on, and B, Wait... Two. " He held up another finger. "Relationships require communication Rose. Com, meu ni kay shion."

He'd been so serious, but she rather expected he wanted an excuse to ramble on about things no one else here could know, and well even if they could, she didn't think anyone else could handle his gob.

"So, the genius old man I was telling you about? Built a ship out of food Rose. End of the universe, no university and one of the only other people I could call a genius-"

She nodded.

"He ends up being The Master-"

"The. Master?" She raised an eyebrow at him and lifted her cheek from his shoulder. What a silly name.

"Yeah, Freuid's field day for sure, but remember how I told you I turned into a human for a bit? Well he turned himself into one to escape the Time War. Did I not tell you he's another timelord? My arch enemy all these long years. Used to be a friend-"

He gave her that look to make sure that while she was sipping her tea and closing her eyes that she was paying attention. No doubt there would be pop quiz later.

"End of the Universe, Evil Timelord. Right."

"Right, well he stole my TARDIS and went back to oh, 2007? And became Prime Minister! Prime Minister and before that Minister of Defense Harold Saxon."

Her eyes flew open and her heart stuttered. Saxon.

"Saxon. I met him before I met you, we, we had this conversation before."

The Doctor's eyes widened. "No. "

She sat up. "We were going back to Mums and there was a poster of him and I remembered-- I remembered- " She looked at him. "You were there."

He searched his mind. "And I told you that I'd never done that before and not to tell me more."

Somethings were clicking in his mind. Rose, Saxon, Saxon Rose. Not possible. He would have remembered being there. Unless. The possibility was far worse. If he hadn't been there than his Timelord self would in the future. Which was very bad. He glanced at Rose. He didn't want to tell her how bad. Or tell her about the trend in his mental state, the trend that would only get worse once Donna was gone. Having to give up Rose, he knew that couldn't have been easy for his other self. He would have no more companions. No more people to care about and lose, but also no one, as Donna had wisely noted to stop him as she had stopped him when he had killed off the Carrionites. And Rose would be in danger, The Master wouldn't visit Rose on a social call. She would be in danger because of her connection to him. There was no telling what his other self would do.

He smiled tentatively at her and reached for her hand. It was Rose's past. She would survive to be here with him, she had to. With no boundaries of course his other self would save Rose. No matter the costs. He shuddered.

Rose's eyes widened. "It wasn't you, but, then," He could see the wheels turning. "It will be you, in the future- the, the other you."

"Rose," He fervently searched her eyes. "What do you remember?"

She shook her head. "It was years ago! I remember... him, and you. And something glowing blue- oh sonic screwdriver. And, and Nothing else. I know I should remember more. When I told you, with the poster of Saxon I remember I just couldn't remember more and it was odd. Like I should remember something important but it just wasn't there." She squinted. "It's like. Like you're watching a movie and you build up to some conflict and the movie ends suddenly but you know that there must be more to it, but no idea what that should be."

"That's, that's not good."

Something else clicked. "Saxon was a timelord. Saxon had your TARDIS? Saxon was... bad?"

The Doctor winced. "He turned the TARDIS into a paradox machine, and uh, "

"What." She stated.

"He had these creatures kill off 1/3 of the human population on Earth, and," he scratched the back of his neck. "ruled the world for a year, before I stopped him."

"WHAT? What took you so long?" She pulled away a bit.

"He captured us, aged me. I won't be that handsome an old man, Sorry. And. And " He looked to the stars for a good way of saying it.

"He hurt you." She whispered.

"Yeah." He breathed.

"I'm so sorry." She rubbed his back. "So, when I was back home, there was only 1/3 of the population left? One third of my friends..."

"Oh, no. Paradox machine. When I defeated him everything went back to normal, generally speaking. Most people didn't remember."

"I'm so sorry." she said.

"Yeah," he swallowed. "So it was a bad time for me. Rose things haven't been...happy since you left my life." There was a warning in his voice.

"I missed you." She said as a sort of apology for what had been out of her control.

"I know."

And it clicked for her. Her eyes widened. "Are you saying that I met the monster who killed off one third of -"

"Yeah."

"By accident?" She bit her lip, worried.

He looked at her for a minute without saying anything and her breath caught.

"Right, when was the last time that anything having to do with you was happenstance." And it was her turn to become quiet.

"Rose." His voice was strained. "I need to know what happened to you."

She broke out of her thoughts. "I told you I don't remember."

"I know. And I also know that a timelord can erase memories." He said carefully.

"Like you had to do to Donna." She breathed. He had explained at a few days ago exactly what Donna's fate must have been. There couldn't be a human timelord metacrisis.

"Yeah. But see, I can also, if you'll let me, look into your memories and discover what happened. If."

Rose's hand went to her neck. If she was missing anything, organs, or if something had been put in her, her monthly checks with the TORCHWOOD Doctors would have turned up something. She shivered then held her head up high. If she remembered the Doctor being there, then, he wouldn't have let anything too bad happen to her. Not her Doctor. The one who knew her, and and lost her.

"If you actually met him. This, could, "

She gave him a look.

"Maybe just be a coincidence and," He tilted his head in acknowledgment that coincidence and him and her were rarely bedfellows, but he had to hope. " And we could both sleep better at night worry free, or.... And well, there is only one way to find out."

"You'll read my mind." She stated.

"Just the one part. I'll be careful. I promise." He cupped her cheek.

She let out her breath she had been holding in. As if to hold in the terrifying possibilities.

"Ok."

He nodded vigorously. "Right. Now relax." His hands brushed aside her hair from her face tenderly.

She gave him an annoyed glance, as if she could knowing what was about to happen.

"Right. Well, it's easier if you relax."

His hands brushed her temples and he closed his eyes.

" Imagine wooden doors where ever you don't want me to go, and pull up to the forefront that memory."

She did the best she could. How did you focus on every part of your thoughts and memories at once that you wanted to keep to yourself?

She pulled up the strongest part of the memory the part that kept pulling her back. Saxon gripping her arm, and seeing a sort of tortured look on Great Hair's face.

She could feel the Doctor smile at that. Great Hair, eh?

With Saxon holding her arms there was a beat. A rhythmic thumping. A driving rthym. Fear. Her fingers beat out that beat on her leg. Traped. Thump thump thump thump. Over and Over again. Four beats repeated. The sound was a call to action. Telling her to flee to go but she was frozen. Stuck. Thump thump thump THUMP. She had made a mistake. Thud thud thud thump. She was going to die. It changed to sound like a heartbeat. She had to get away! The Doctor's face changed. It became less and less the sad but resolute and more manic and, scary. She had never been scared of the Doctor before but that emotion was there now. She was scared of the man holding her arm and the one in front of her at the same time. Her rapid breathing even began to match the tempo of the only beat there was. Three gasping breathes followed by the inability to take in any more air followed a frenzied release to be caught up in again.

Some outside shockwave hit her then draining her reserves.

No wonder she had never connected the happy smiley man with this.

The fear held her here as she felt herself begin to sink and drown in the memory.

"Let go." His voice whispered, as warm lips pressed into her forehead.

While her body was still stuck in this moment her mind felt free and she seemed to float above the dark alleyway to find herself held in a comforting cloud.

"As long as you're with me, you're safe." Distantly she could feel his lips tickle her head.

"I'm trying to remember but I can't everything goes dark and--"

"It's ok. Human memories are like this. Some points have stronger emotional ties. Stick with you longer, especially trauma. You get stuck in that moment and can't get past it. It's a biological defense mechanism. A reminder of danger to keep you from repeating it. Reading minds isn't like reading a book Rose. You can't just flip to a page and see the whole thing. But I can help you search through it for bits and pieces." She felt something soft, like eyes brush her forehead, and vague dampness. "So you can let go and heal. I'm soo so sorry Rose. I'm scared of what more we'll find, but I just...wish I wasn't the reason for your pain, time and again."

She wanted to say that it wasn't his fault but she was feeling drained and too tired already to argue. She could feel care and safety flowing into her very pores like a warm blanket to a shock victim.

And suddenly she was back in her body.

"Doctor?" She was surprised at how exhausted her voice sounded.

She looked up into his eyes. "Are we done?"

"For now." His eyes were tender. "I think we could both do with a rest before we try that again, and maybe a meal." His stomach grumbled in agreement.

They both forced a laugh at that. She opened her mouth to ask, "Was it real?" But refrained. She was too drained, and scared of the answer to really argue against a good meal and some rest before facing a reality she had no control over...


End file.
